![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
crushed________________________________________
I had heard of the disease coming of course, but I had never thought it would come to my village. It sat in the quiet valley of a mountain range, well protected from the elements, predators, even other invaders. War was something that happened in other places, far off places, beyond out secluded world, but not to my people. I had ensured that they would be safe here, far removed from all of the threats that had harmed and decimated other parts of humanity. I was their watcher, their guardian, the one who had been placed on Earth to specifically watch of them. I had done well in guiding my flock, had ensured their prosperity and growth. I had shown them the will of the One.
The other Benei Ha-Elohim, the Watchers, those chosen to watch over the One’s creation, they were the ones that spoke of it, seeing it in their own villages, in their own cities and people. Many were grave and sad as they spoke of it, how it had torn through the populace of their chosen areas with a vicious vengeance, leaving no one unscathed. Young, old, those in the prime of their life, rich, poor, powerful, weak, they were all falling to the ravages of death and illness. Samael, the Archangel of Death, came to each of them, gathering them to the place where only mortals could go, the reward that only the One knew of and understood.
It was not for we of the Benei Ha-Elohim to question the will of the One or his purpose. Our will was to do, and to act, and to guide in the light of the One.
That did not mean, however, I did not see to the well being of those that I watched, my flock. They had a good life in their secluded valley, far from the rest of the world, from fluid change of the rest of humanity beyond the borders of their land. It was a good place to grow the crops they needed, and to raise the grazing animals they slaughtered for food and hides. They had little need for the world outside, and little desire to go beyond their home to find it. Few conflicts arose in their domain. Their people had a wise and noble leader, the Eldest, one who I had come to love, whose family I watched over with particular care. His people looked towards him for guidance, and he was benevolent and kind in his wisdom.
I thought I had done well by ensuring their peace and happiness, and though that surely, the One would spare this perfect aspect of the world he created. After all, the disease that I knew was ravaging others was really only ravaging those who would seek to treat the One’s domain with scorn and disdain. They were the ones who cast war upon one another, who would conquer the weak in order to further their own dark desires, or to enhance their own greedy natures. They deserved the pain and suffering that they went through in the world beyond. My people deserved nothing of the sort. They were a perfect people, a good people, and a people who spoke the name of the One on their lips and in their hearts as they rose and as they went to sleep. Surely the One would not raise a hand to these that I loved so well, that I loved the best.
Hubris is not just a folly of humans. Those of the Divine Host, from the lordly and masterful Archangels to the simplest of messengers had a certain pride, those that served the One. I had seen the consequences of those who allowed their pride to overtake them as they had stood against the throne of the One and challenged it, dared to tell the One they believed that they knew better what went on in the Earth. And with great sadness, the One would call for his general, his justice, Michael, the one “who is like the One.”
And Michael would, with great sorrow, reach for the fiery divinity of the angel in question, would tear from them the very brightness of their angelic mien and cast it from them, like so much dancing flame in his hands. And the poor, wretched creature, now utterly bereft of that which had once made it so divine, was cast from the halls of heaven, it’s soul that had once been gleaming and pure was now a swirl of violent colors, much as humans are when they first arrive on Earth, squalling and naked from their mother’s womb. They would fall from heaven, to the Earth and could rise no more, bound to it for all eternity for their pride and their insolence. This was the fate of those who dared to stand against the One.
I knew it, and still I dared to think that the One would never punish me so. I believed that what I was doing was for the glory of the One alone, to perform the function set out for me at the dawn of all creation. This was my purpose, to protect these people, to ensure that they grew, thrived and prospered. And I spent myself on the matter, like no other of my fellow watching angels.
So it was with great surprise that one day, as I watched over the flocks of my people, and the youngsters played amongst their animals, that they cry of alarm went up amongst the village in the distance. Within an instant I was there, watching the proceedings from the silence of my existence. A divine being, most mortals were unable to see me, and I was unable to interact with them save only through signs, miracles, and dreams. Only those of the Archangels were ever able to interact with the human world, I was not powerful enough on my own to even do so much as whisper in one of their ears. But from time to time I appeared in dreams, or try as I could to influence their ideas. But I could do nothing as they gathered around the Eldest, my beloved, my favorite. He was a man of senior years, though not of diminished capacity of strength of will. His face remained passive as the hysterical cries of the runner from the outlying lands of the valley warned that he had seen the plague coming to those farms just near the valley where they lived, and he feared that even his children, who frequently contact those just outside of their home, would bring home the pestilence.
The Eldest remained steady, his voice strong and reassuring, and I smiled at this, knowing I had done well in my favor for this one. He was wise and true, and never wavered in the trust and faith I had worked so hard to instill in him. “The One is with us, and is protecting us. The One has shown us the most favor, the One will not turn on us in this time.”
I was confident that this was true…perhaps too confident. I didn’t see and I didn’t recognize what was happening till it was too late. It started with the tanner’s daughter, a bright girl of ten. She became ill during the night, first with chills, then with vomiting, and by morning she was so grave even the village wise woman held no hope for her. By afternoon her entire family had come down with the illness, and already the fear was rising amongst the people. They turned to the Eldest, asking him what they should do to prevent the illness from further taking hold.
I came to him as he meditated on this, urging him to remain true and faithful, the One would come and protect them all. I assured him that the One would not turn on those that were so beloved. And the Eldest, ever the one I lived best since his birth, believed me and repeated what I had shown to him in his vision to his people. And they were reassured for the moment, even as the tanner’s family lay dying in their home on the edge of the village.
The weaver’s home was the next one struck down, their cries rang through the stillness of the following night, as the village roused itself to see what was the matter. Already they had buried the now dead tanner, and the weaver’s eldest boy rushed out to the group of neighbors and friends, crying about how everyone inside was ill, and begging them for assistance. But in fear, those that the boy had known his entire life turned from him, rushing away from him and his home, and would not come to help him as he wailed piteously. Even the Eldest of the village, my pride for his strength of character held himself back, telling himself it was better for the whole that the single family should suffer, so that the rest might make it through this evil. The One would understand, he would not curse them for such a decision. And I must admit to myself I thought in that moment that he was right in this thinking that the One would be forgiving in this time of urgency. So completely did I believe this that I was stunned in the morning when three more families came down ill, and the village, now in full panic, turned to the Eldest for answers and for guidance.
I could hear his prayers, as I stood beside him, helpless as to an answer to give him. Here in this valley I knew they were safe, but if they should venture outside of it, they would surely perish in the perils that lay out in the outer world. Yet, if they were to remain, they would sicken as well, and perhaps die of inaction as the pestilence took them as well. Unable to give the Eldest the wisdom he sought, I remained silent, unwilling to lead him in the wrong direction, and unsure of what to even say.
Ultimately it didn’t matter anyway. By the next evening, the entirety of the village was now ill, even the Eldest, who sat on his cot in his home, his beloved wife and children struck down beside him, none able to move to assist the other. So still were they, I nearly thought them dead then. But the oldest daughter, a lovely girl near ripe to womanhood would moan piteously in her sleep, and sometimes the Eldest was call out to the others, blindly seeking them as his face, flushed with fever, turned this way and that looking for them. I watched, wondering how it was that the One had allowed this to happen, was continuing to allow this to happen. I wept bitter tears then, but could do nothing further to stop or assist what was turning into the inevitable.
“Why do you cry so,” Samael’s words were silky calm, but it did nothing to relieve my ire. I turned on the magnificent archangel, the bringer of Death, the brightest of them all, shining like the sun before my eyes. As angels we have no real gender, but our personalities lend themselves towards the masculine and feminine, and Samael had always been of the masculine leaning. He stood before me, great in his countenance, watching me with mingled confusion and pity.
“I am crying, Samael, because they are dying,” I replied simply. “I am crying because though I loved them well and tried to protect them from all of the vagaries of the world outside, the world has found them anyway and is taking them away from me.” I blinked hard as I stared at the face of the Eldest “He was the finest of all humans, the one I had nurtured from boyhood to lead his people. And to see him…fallen like this.”
“You put too much affection into humanity, you know,” Samael did not say this to be unkind, but it still tore at my soul. “They are meant to live, to suffer, and to die. It is what this existence is about.”
“That is not what their existence was about living is about,” I raged back, my divine aura shining with the full onslaught of my fury at that moment, though still only a dim shadow in comparison to the majesty and glory that belonged only to those of the rank of Archangel. “Life is not about suffering, there is good in it, and happiness, love and joy.”
“Yes, there is,” Samael did not deny this. “And there is also despair, hate, and fear. There is greed, anger, and lust. These are things that are just as important to understand, you know, to know fully what it is to live.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way,” I insisted, watching as the Eldest rolled fitfully to his side and vomited up mucus and bile, all that was left in his already emptied stomach. “Wrongs can be stopped or prevented, life can be filled with the pleasant.”
“Not every wrong can be stopped, you know. Otherwise how can the pleasant be nearly as sweet?”
“I tried to right these peoples wrongs,” I wailed in frustration at the him, who stood unmoved before me. “I tried to ensure that these few would enjoy what no one else in the world seems to ever know, a life of perfection.”
“And so you did, for a time. Do you think they regret that?”
“But they are dying before their time,” I howled.
“How do you know that,” his answers was a mild as Samael could be dangerous, and I saw the flash in his eyes, and remember for a moment I was addressing an Archangel, and not just any Archangel, the twin to Michael. As Michael was as like to the One as his own mind, his own breath, Samael was the hand of One, by whom all change in the world was wrought. He was the ultimate entropic force in the universe, by him was everything swept away and made new again, bringing with it the light and knowledge of discovery and creation. If there was anyone who I could not possibly challenge in this situation it was he, for none other amongst the Divine Host knew the heavy weight of the work he must do. And yet there I was, raging against him, daring to tell him I felt this was wrong.
And I sensed in that moment that I was treading on dangerous ground. But as the Eldest moaned, his life’s breath rattling deep in his chest, I knew he was fading, dying, leaving me, and that Samael would take them all with him to the place beyond where none of the Divine Host had ever be allowed to see or to follow.
“You can’t prevent this from happening, this is the One’s will,” Samael murmured in tones as deep as the loss I felt. “This is their destiny. And you least of all can stop it. You most of all should know better.”
“You can’t,” I shook my head, wrapping my own, meager divinity about myself as a protective aura. “You can’t take them, Samael. I…I won’t allow it.”
He watched me with grave, stormy eyes, where lightening flashed for the briefest of moments. “You say I can’t?
“Yes,” I affirmed. “You can’t…I…I will stand against you.”
“You will,” he didn’t scoff at this, but I could sense my own impending doom. “You know that you shall lose.”
“I know…but I must try. I have poured all that I am into them. To do any less would be a betrayal to all that I have done.”
“Very well,” Samael nodded, and standing back, for a moment it seemed that all of the glory that was his faded into dimness, as I struck out at him, one fiery hand blazing as it landed, the air cracking loudly as if with the sound of lightening striking the ground. Samael stood motionless, taking the strike but saying little in response. If it affected him at all, he didn’t show it. He simply gazed at me with a pained expression, as the room seemed to fill suddenly with so much light and power, it was almost a tangible weight, pushing me down to the earth, and crushing me with its grandeur.
“You know what happens to those who defy the will of heaven,” he rumbled in tones like thunder across the mountains. “You know what happens, and yet you did it anyway?”
“It was what was right,” I replied softly, as a sob escaped my throat, and I could feel the fiery glory that was my right as an angel blaze briefly about me. I clung to it in those seconds, knowing what was coming, and hoping I wasn’t making a horrible mistake.
“I am sorry for you, for what it is worth,” Samael’s face was painfully sad. “I hope you find in your existence the truth of life, and in so doing, understanding that there is more to this life than that which you’ve wrought.” He reached for me so suddenly, I didn’t have time to flinch away, and I felt him grab for the base of my neck as I physically felt the agony of my own divinity being ripped away from me, as one sheet of pure, blinding light, yanked from my shoulder blades as I tumbled to the very ground of Earth, feeling for the first time in my raw, new skin the sensation of particle of dirt beneath my fingertips and knees, smelling the stench of soil, bile, and death around me, and feeling the cold of the coming night on the mountain, as Samael’s brightness blinded my new eyes so I could no longer look upon him.
I screamed and screamed as every sensation that any human would feel came to me in those moments, my skin over sensitized to the feeling of a breeze, my ears ringing with the roar of silence, and my eyes shut against the glory that was Samael. His words raged through my now human like hearing, as I crouched on the ground before him, shuddering and mewling like a newborn child.
“You are cast to earth and bound here. Since you love humanity so much more than you love the One, then you may stay here with humanity and learn what it is to be human.”
“Is that what I am,” I managed to choke out, my throat suddenly raw and sore from my cries.
“No….not really. You are of the Fallen. You are now no longer a member of the Divine Host. Heaven is no longer your home, and you will no longer be able to look upon it or any of our kind, save the Archangels, and only if they come in the form they use when speaking to humanity.”
“None…but what of heaven, can’t I ever return?”
“To my knowledge, none of your kind ever has returned.” His voice sounded pitying. “Those who have dared to stand against the One have continued to do so to this day. Some outright try to subvert his creation, while others simply exist in defiance. But the choice is yours really, how you wish to live your new life. There are many who learn from it, and grow from it. I hope that perhaps you can be amongst the later.”
I did not look at him but felt his presence diminish, and I knew he was preparing to leave me here, in this place filled with death and destruction.
“Can I die,” I asked, wondering if I could just simply end this existence now, and be done with it. But Samael saw where my thoughts led.
“No. You are angelic, even if you are no longer divine. You will not age, you will not die, and you will not grow ill. You will retain some of your powers, though which ones I don’t know. You can live as a normal man might, though.” It wasn’t till he said the word “man” that I realized what gender I even was, and finally felt the sensation of my genitalia between my legs, the flaccid penis brushing the skin of my inner thigh.
“You who have desired the ability to subvert the will of heaven now have the chance to do so,” Samael murmured as his presence diminished further and further. “What is the saying the human’s have? One must learn from their mistakes?”
“Samael, please, don’t leave me like this,” I moaned softly, but I knew it was too late. Even as the phrase left my lips, I knew he was gone, and I was left, naked, hurting, and wailing, amongst the bodies of the dead whom I had loved so well. I had no clothing, I had no food, I had no way of understanding how to procure any of them, and darkness would be setting soon. The bodies of the Eldest and his family all began to cool around me as I watched them silently, wondering what I should do with them. There was none left in the village to do their burial rights, and as new to humanity as I was, I was unable to even begin figuring out how to enact them.
Even as I watched them, one by one, over each lifeless form, silver glows began to form. I blinked my eyes as I recognized the shape each took, first of their bodies, then of their faces. As I watched, the Eldest of the village stood before me, though not in his body, but as his self, his true self, smiling with joy as he beheld me.
“It is you…you who I dreamed of. You who told me of the will of the One, you have come for me then?”
“No,” I murmured, as I felt the space between my shoulder blades ache pitifully, raw, as if it were bleeding. I reached a hand behind me, but there was nothing physically there. But I could still feel the metaphysical scars of my fall as if they really left marks on my body.
“You haven’t,” he looked confused, as his wife and children joined him, leaving their mortal shells to watch me with silvery curiosity. But then, I heard the others outside the door of his hut, the others in the village who had died with them, as they stood gathered outside. I watched with desperately as they all turned to the noise, and without glancing at me again, moved towards their friends gladly.
“Wait,” I begged as they moved. “Wait, don’t leave me, don’t you remember me, don’t you love me? I love you!” I tried to follow on legs I didn’t know how to work yet, and only managed to fall again to my knees. Instead, I crawled and with chaffing skin clambered to the door, watching in the dimming light outside as the people of the village stood there as silver shades, staring at the brightness I knew to be Samael.
“I told you the One would not forsake us,” the Eldest cried, as his people echoed the sentiment, all joyous and laughing as they stared up into the heavens, the brightness drawing them to it.
“Wait,” I begged. “Wait, don’t leave me, I protected you, I loved you. Please stay with me. I will help you…please, please show me how to be like you, to be with you. Teach me what it is like to be a man.”
But none listened. Instead they followed the light, Samael, and none turned to my cries, save the Eldest. He alone turned to watch me, with sad, silver eyes, regarding me as if he had just remembered that I was there.
“You will not follow us?” His question was stunned and sad.
“I…I can’t follow you. I am banished from Heaven by the One.”
The Eldest’s face turned down as around him his family waited with impatience for him to follow. “I’m sorry then, my old friend. I was looking forward to seeing you when we arrived at the home of the One. I hope someday that I will get my wish.” Without another glance, he turned on me, even as I shouted for him. I had forgotten hat I wouldn’t eve be able to see him in the place where he was going, were I still an angel. All I knew was that I was being left alone.
“Please, don’t leave me,” I sobbed as the light and the silver shapes left me, lying in the doorway of the Eldest’s hut, groveling in the dirt, my tears mixing with the dust and turning cold on my cheeks as the stars above me began to shine.
enraged
